Conscious uncoupling? Beat you to it Gwyneth.

Yup...who knew the spouse emeritus and I were so ahead of the curve?

We thought we were just separating but according to Gwyneth Paltrow, we were actually engaged in the act of "consciously uncoupling".

It turns out that what we had thought was the fairly mundane act of assessing the state of our marriage, jumping the hoops of mediated counseling  and accepting and preparing for the act of going our separate ways was actually a "thing".

Which makes me wonder. 

Prior to Ms Paltrow's elevating the art of tossing in the towel to her list of life enhancing advice, recommendations and musings on her blog, goop.com, is it safe to assume that those who had come asunder before had '"unconsciously uncoupled"?

And who or what was to blame for having failed to come apart in a non-aware manner?

Perhaps starting as an unconscious coupling in the first place....or... maybe a subsequent unconscious coupling in absolutely the wrong place?

A failure to eat enough kale?

Luckily for us, our conscious coupling (previously known as getting married) involved one musician (me) and someone with a way with the written word (the spouse emeritus)...you know, just like Gwyneth and Chris,,,so at least we know it couldn't have been that. 

Might have been the lack of green stuff on my part....never trusted a foodstuff that didn't start life with a face.

It's a Swedish thing....at least it is now...according to me and by extension my co-practioner of the consciously uncoupling arts, Gwyneth.

You know, I could get used to this cutting edge lifestyle.

 

Not so much beaten...as thoroughly smoked.

"So", said the spouse emeritus as she waited for me to put a plate of pasta together for her, "I've been dating..how about you?"

This was the first time we had addressed the topic of dating since going our separate ways...not that it was a new one for us.  It was indeed a subject that came up from time to time during the last year we spent together when for all intent and purpose we were "living apart together".

Not in a particular hurry to make things more complicated than they already were, I'd opted for our not dating other people, at least not openly, until we were on our separate paths full stop.  The spouse emeritus was less dogmatic on the idea so it really was no surprise that she had dived into the dating pool shortly after going our own ways.

"Dating?", I said "Well, not really...been on a few coffee dates with women I met on-line but other than that, no".

"Well, I have...do you want to hear about it?"

"Not so much, unless you are into something serious, you know if this is someone you think might be around for awhile, someone you might introduce to our daughter that is".

"OK then, no names or anything..but I need to ask you something."

"Which is?"

"Apparently I come across as kind of bossy."

"Bossy?", I said.

"Yes..bossy..   I'm not that bossy am I"?

"You're actually quite bossy", I answered.

The spouse emeritus was a bit taken aback.  I could see that was not the answer she was looking for.

"The thing is", I said, "that's just you...it never really bothered me, I suppose I was used to it, and frankly anyone who really has a problem with that...isn't really a good fit for you."

"How is that?"

"Well, it's not like you're going to change much at this point, it's just part of you and you're pretty great, so don't sweat it....and whatever you do, don't compare how we put up with each others idiosyncrasies with how new people experience them.  We had 23 years to build up immunities."

"That's a good point..because you know...you have a lot"

"I know".

"No really...a lot"

"This is not news."

"I mean come to think of it..you're kind of a walking encyclopedia of unique behaviours",

Dinner finished pleasantly and having hit our 4-5 hours of tolerance for each other before said idiosyncrasies kicked in from both sides of the table, we said goodnight.

Now I had wondered how that first conversation would go when one or the other of us had moved past the world of 'us' into the fingleton dating pool and to be honest...it felt fine.  A huge part of our decision to split had been based on seeing twenty to thirty years ahead of us and both wanting a future that represented more than just playing out the side.  I found myself quite happy for the former Mrs and more than a little proud of her for bravely moving forward.

But there was something else that niggled.

I was comfortable with her hitting the dating scene before me.  It really felt no stranger than our daughter's first forays into that same world of exploring the mysterious world of romance.

Something was feeling strange though.....and then I saw it.

I was hit by the sudden realization that not only had the spouse emeritus begun dating before I did, but so had my Mom.

Mom had found herself in that boat, following my father's passing after a very long illness, when an old family friend (widowed some years before) rather determinedly and unexpectedly set his sights upon her.  And even more suprising to her, she was ready for companionship not that long after she had swore she had no interest in anything like that.

And I was very happy for her and comfortable with the turn her life had taken.

But the sudden notion that I was still content on the sidelines while both ex and my septuagenarian mater were out there well ahead of me having their second chapter moments?

That was a sobering thought.  And I have a feeling that something is going to have to change..maybe even my heretofore sacred idiosyncrasies.

This is about to get real.

Smells Like "Meme" Spirit

I've written before about some of the phrases that seem to come up again and again in on-line dating profiles and that there appeared to be a code attached to their meaning.  And while it is easy to generalize about whether certain words and phrases are worn almost as accessory what is it I am supposed to make of the near ubiquitious dating profile statement "spiritual but not religious"?

I ask this because it is an almost overwhelmingly universal answer on the profiles I read as an answer to the religion/faith question.

Now my sampling does not in any way represent a scientifically valid result.  And I  am clearly not a visitor to the growing number of dating sites for the religious, but in my experience the "spiritual but not religious" response greatly outstrips the number of those who identify themselves as a member of a religion (practicing or otherwise), agnostic/atheist or even the number of people who do not address the question at all.

Which makes me wonder.  Is the "spiritual but not religious" blanket answer an indicator of a cultural zeitgest or is there something  I am missing in the way a lot of people are purportedly living their lives?

I say this because while I have met numerous people who live with a profound sense of faith, I can't say I have met that many outside that group (and even within it) who struck me as particularly spiritual.  Nice?  Absolutely.  Generous?  Certainly.  Calm?  No doubt. Insightful, empathetic, balanced?  Sure.

But spiritual?

Not so much.

Which perhaps says more about my personal confusion about what the word actually means. And when in doubt I rely on that most reliable of cultural filters...the Beatles!

George Harrison started his Beatle life as the "quiet one" but by the time of Sgt Pepper he had evolved to being seen as the  "spiritual one".  Now when I think of George I think about krishna and gardening and sitars.  I also think though about acid trips, the material world and all things fab (girls, guitars and ganja).

And perhaps that provides a clue.  Maybe the spirituality people are citing now is malleable and includes all kinds of things..from the divinely connected to the most earthbound, profane or mundane in pleasure pastimes.  You know..as long as you are spiritual in it's pursuit.

So basically, if you are really into it?  Voila.  Spiritual!!  Which is why the phrase can cover pursuits as wildly divergent as bird watching and Burning Man.

So...my dedication to sourcing and sampling all Beatles related  minutiae?  Damn near saintly!

Somehow though I think we are all a bit confused by the devolution of finding a mate into something more like shopping than not.  And this confusion has us thinking "I'm actually deeper than this mere profile can convey" or "Hmm, I already spent a lot of time already describing what I want in a mate and by extension..life, maybe I better balance that with a declaration of my place in the scheme of things.  Essentially we are driven to add onto our lists, the idea that we think about loftier matters than fine dining, exotic travel and cottaging.

And since near universal participation in organized religion is very much a thing of the past in much of western society, it is up to those of us without a denominational home to announce the presence and importance of spirituality in our lives if not actually describe how we experience or nurture it.

But no matter, because in embracing the catch all phrase "spiritual but not religious" we put paid to that need and perhaps just as importantly deflect the attentions of those who prescribe to more traditional dogma.

You know it was all so much easier when I could safely just say I am agnostic or atheist (a difference I see as depending on how curmudgeonly I feel on any particular day).

Perhaps I will just say in future that I connect to my soul daily with an incantation of words that have come to mean so much to me over the years.  Now..how exactly do you spell "coo coo ca choo"?
 

Yours. Mine. Ours?

So here's the thing.

I love being a Dad and have done every step of the way from that first trip home together as a family with newborn in tow, to waving the kiddo off as she walked into her university residence sans parents.

If there is one thing the spouse emeritus and I can point to as a wholly, successful consequence of our having been together, it is indeed the wonderful young lady we brought into this world and the pleasure and pride she has provided us along the way.

That said, biologically speaking?   I can't see being a father to anyone but said daughter.

And how this will impact my future and mostly hypothetical dating life is yet to be determined, but it is something I think about.

Mostly because it is as much a qualifier in date-worthiness for me as whether someone sounds interesting or appears attractive.  And I am quite sure that it is the same on the other side of the gender divide for women still considering or actively desirous of having a child.

After all, when the spouse emeritus and I first met, I am convinced that a good deal of my suitability as a potential partner in her eyes was my nodding in agreement with her "I want to have a child in the next 18 months..how does that sound to you?" mission statement.

It was clearly a "do not pass go question" and I embraced that brave nod knowing full well that the path to fatherhood was officially underway.

But now?  I must admit to scanning down towards the "wants kids" yes/no question line in prospective dates' profiles almost as quickly as I pause at other basic descriptors.   And unless I see a "had kids, doesn't want more" or "does not want kids" choice in place, I do not invest any more thought to the "should I or shouldn't I" brave a message conundrum.

Aha, you say.  Silly old fart is yet another of those middle age men planning on dating younger.   I can assure you this is not the case.

But I understand the assumption. 

I had thought that the age skew of women I generally regarded as appropriately well seasoned in the dating sense would preclude the child question as coming up as an issue.  And yet, in my observation, a surprising number of yet to parent, well into their 40's potentials do list their child wanting status as definitely, probably or undecided.

To which I say...wow, they must already be well into the adoption process or have incredible health plans as fertility treatment goes.  And then I say...move along...not for you.

And yes I get that people date knowing that not all relationships will graduate to "serious" and the need to align intentions as go parenting desires.

But the idea of wasting someone's time whether they see themselves as a future parent soon or might later just doesn't seem fair.

Having hit the half century mark, I am all too aware that time speeds up as we age and that decisions and desires change.  And as having a child goes? Time left really does begin to matter.

Which I suppose is part of my opting out of the game as goes having another child.

Part of that decision is economic.  Getting my daughter through what looks to be a long spell in the halls of academia by contributing equally to that endeavour pretty much puts paid to the idea of being part of a new family.

Equally strong though is the sense of fatigue that picturing myself doing the kid years again conjures. Parenting was exhausting enough with a running start in my mid thirties so I will reserve my future pram pushing and diaper changing to that required when grandchildren come along.

Which does not mean, daughter of mine, that I am in any hurry to do same.

Rest assured though my love (should you be reading this and if you are..get back to your books!), I will be at your beck and call when the time comes.